Future Sight

The big 400.

Might as well make it worth while.

I’ve decided the best way to do so was to wait until the end of Spring 2008 term. So here I am. I haven’t updated in over a month and I have taken more tests then I care to remember.

So now it is time for some self reflection…

Have I changed over the past year?

This time last year I was upset because my best friend was moving back to Alaska. I was taking a summer school calculus course. I was learning how to live without my bestfriend right there all over again. I spent that summer learning calc twice a week (acing the course) and reading. Yuka came in August before school started.

And then school started up and I was forced to change. Jason hugged me first day of  school and I realized that we were hugging friends and the rest is filled with more boys and humiliating moments then I can recall.

So I have changed. Because at the beginning of my sophomore year, I was timid and shy and could hardly meet Jason’s eyes. Now I do… Now I can meet people and look them in the eye and… feel like I fucking earned the right to be there. My good old study group called me brilliant. Fernando called my many times the smartest person he ever met. Doubtful, but it felt good to hear a guy in a male dominated field say that about a scrawny girl who when they first met could hardly be in the same room as him without feeling totally awkward. I have new found confidence and a new understanding of why exactly men find women so irritating. I feel like I belong, rather than the awkward residual feeling of being offset, out of place. Nothing feels better than feeling like being one of the boys in the boys game. And no matter what anyone tells you, it is still a boys game. Girls can do it, most don’t because they either a) suck at math b)suck at homework or c) don’t want to play with the boys. Lucky for me, don’t suck at math, don’t suck at homework and I don’t mind dealing with men who would rather get good grades. Anyway… I like this newer more confident capable of talking to guys she hasn’t spent months warming up to me. I smile a lot more now and I don’t feel lonely. I get my homework done and I have a good time doing it. I am enjoying college and don’t have the uneasy doubts that I had in the beginning… I have a 3.6 GPA, have been on the Dean’s List for the School of Engineering for all four semesters and have managed to maintain my hellish 18 hour days and good humor for the most part.

My hobbies however are on a downward spiral. My compulsions to buy are bad and evil and I am collecting, which is never a good sign. I am collecting many things and obsessed and need to buy CCG things… even if I don’t play. But it gives me something to obsess about in a controlled way. I have found new things to do, I love my DS and I have read more books than I probably should have this past year. And I am planning on reading more. Sounds like a plan all around.

Other than that… not much to tell. I’ve changed… but I don’t mind what I am becoming.

Two more years till full on adulthood and grad school.

Hopefully I’ll feel like I learned a lot when I get my diploma.

And now for my hard earned and hard fought for summer.